Helping a homeless person, but now I feel uneasy. Need help!

[Chikito]

Last night I was on my way to the tube station to escort a girl home for a sure thing. While waiting outside the station A young girl wave waving at me to talk to her (I had headphones on). As I got closer she was crying pretty bad. She was also surrounded by 3 or four big plastic bags full of her clothes.

"Can I have some spare change please..I have no home they kicked me out"

She was sobbing like crazy.
I sat down on the bench next to her instantly I had to help her. I emptied my wallet and gave her all my money (only like £3 lol).

She told me she had been kicked out of her home and she was a total mess. She asked me if I could help her.

I have a spare room at my house with a single bed, but the house is not mine to invite people into. I have 2 housemates and my landlord is my friend. I was hesitant.

I told her I had a spare room, and that I would have to run it through my friend (the girl I was picking up).

"Jamie..." she was really drunk and had the doggy bowl look. She was already hugging me and holding onto my waist.

While I was chatting too her these two black guys were giving her change but they started chatting with her. I told myself they are probably going to help her. So I left with my lady friend. But in order to go back to hers or mine we would have to walk past her. We did a loop and came back to the same place and we tried to walk away without her looking. She spotted me and instantly I felt super guilty.

It is one thing not to give someone change that is dire need. It is another though to give her hope then disappear. I couldn't leave her there, but here is a sure thing with this girl and safety in my comfort zone. On paper I am inviting a homeless person into my house, who knows she might steal stuff? I figured any physical danger was not a problem since I can take care of myself.

I told the drunk chick I couldn't just leave her there like that. And asked her to come back with me and the homeless girl. She told me I'm crazy, she begged me to go with her. I wanted too but I kept repeating to myself that I have the means to help someone in dire need, why am I not doing it?

So I said goodbye to the drunk girl. And walked back to the homeless girl. She was crying even more than the first time.
"I thought you were never coming back" She sobbed.
"Lets go. Are you ready?"


I helped her with her bags, then she lit a cig. And we walked towards the bus stop. She stopped outside a convenience store and went in and got a pack of cigs. My first thoughts were very much against this. When she came out she was like - 'Oh I dont have money to pay for the bus now.'

I was now worried that she was a taker, not very sensible for a homeless person to spend all the money they begged for on a pack of cigs...

I had to run back to an ATM to withdraw more money when I came back she was begging walkers by for change and cigs...

We went to the bus stop. And while we waited for the bus she kept thanking me profusely. I just told her as long as she doesn't screw me over everything will be fine. Then told her the minute you do screw up your out.

She then told me some of her story. She was a mother, shes 19, her boyfriend is also homeless and is living with his sister. Her parents do not talk to her anymore. And her child is with the social services.

When we met she had told me she had been kicked out of her place. But now she was telling me shes been homeless for about a year...staying from place to place, getting kicked out. She got banned from the YMCA (youth hostel place) for brining alcohol in.

I was now starting to think this was a totally bad idea. This house isn't mine to give out if you know what I mean. And already she has proven to me that it is likely that she will make me regret it from what she told me. But on the other hand she is a homeless young girl. Those two black guys chatting to her before wanted to give her a place to stay in exchange for sexual favors.

I told her that maybe my landlord could arrange it so she can rent the place out. But I made it clear that I have made no promises.

She had a shower and did some washing in my washing machine. And smoked about 6 cigarettes in about 2 hours.

She slept in this morning till about 2, thats ok because we did get back at like 4am. I just talked to some of my housemates and they are not too happy about the idea of her staying living here, even with the permission of my landlord. I haven't told my other housemate how do you tell him? He's just a housemate not a friend per-say, it would be so strange if I told him I brought a homeless person into his home...

Anyway she has gone out now to go to the Pharmacy to get her prescription and see her friends and boyfriend.

It is clear I have to kick her out of the house. I have to decide how long I can let her stay and get away with. One night is ok. Two maybe. Three and more? It will be hard to hide it.

How do I go about getting rid of her? Tell it straight up that my housemates are not comfortable with her staying. My landlord will definitely say no. Or do I lie and say that someone is moving into that room and she needs to leave?
What if she argues? What if she begs?

Get back to me on it guys.

[Tom Church]

You're in a dangerous position mate. Don't let guilt or sympathy come into it. Yes she's in a shit position, one that no doubt can be helped but that doesn't mean she can exploit it and use others. Help her where you can, but do it through talking rather than money. Be straight up and firm, do not waver nor negotiate. Decide now how long you're going to allow her to stay, tell your flatmates your decision and say to her in a kind but affirming way,

"You're welcome to stay here for X nights. Get your stuff clean, use the bathroom and make yourself comfortable in the living room. After X nights you have to leave, it's against my contract to allow you to sleep here, and my housemates aren't happy about it."

As a side note - I would be wary letting her stay in the house alone. A quick call to a friend or boyfriend whilst you are out could end up in daylight robbery. Do try to help her by talking though. Hope this helps mate.

[Chikito]

I just laid it out straight to her.

I told her that I can offer her the bed for another night and she is welcome to bathe, use the washing machine, eat some of my food. But she has to be out tomorrow.

She took it well and said O.K.
Did you know its almost impossible to get a job without a place to live?
The government wont help her find a place to live because shes 'intentionally homeless' when she ran from home because she was getting beaten. No job will take her because she doesn't have an address. I find it appalling the government wont help someone in her position. Or that her parents wont have anything to do with her.

I told her I will give her an electronic thing I have that I was going to sell anyway, its worth about £50. And that is all I can do for her.

The day light robber was the thing I was exactly worried about, I'm not going to leave her alone in the house.

Thanks for the advice. This whole thing should make a good story anyway haha.

Why do I feel guilty for helping someone in need?

[Sloaner92]

I'm really glad that you are kind enough to help someone in need. Most people won't do it because of the Bystander Effect. Governments aren't perfect, and people get screwed all the time, in my opinion. That's just the way it is.

I don't think you feel guilty so much as you feel fear and confusion combined with satisfaction for helping her. Again, it's a great thing that you stepped up when no one else (potentially) would, and I'm sure that feels great. You're also scared that you should not have helped her because she might screw you over. In turn, these combine in to guilt, a feeling of responsibility and remorse.

[Pav]

Props to you for doing that amazing deed in the first place man.
But yes, it has now resulted in a sticky situation, which you have already seemed to put a lid on. It was something that the longer you left it, the trickier it would become to get her out. Let us know how things turn out in the end.
Again, a lot of respect for what you did mate.

[Nick Krygier]

That was quite a leap of faith you took there chiki. I admire it. I believe that helping people sometimes doesn't necessarily mean 'helping' them though. Up to the individual though.

[RedLine90]

This is an interesting story. One question. Do you think after what you did she is going to turn her life around and never be on the streets again and buying cigarettes instead of food?

[Chikito]

no she's going to be there until she learns to take responsibility of her life. She complained a lot about things ruining her life, never saying it might have been a mistake on her own part.

[RedLine90]

Bull's eye. It may sound simple but it is habits. Until something abruptly stops her current state of feeling victim and teaches her new habits it is easier for her to stay like this and she will stay like it. If you really want to help a person is to make them realize and say that that is not a way they should or WANT to live (and feel it), then they will find a way out.

[the_ki]

Wow, okay i see it way differently. I see a girl that has learnt that she can throw the damsel in distress card and some guy will fix everything for her.

Think about it. Amog versus damsel in distress. Yeah.... physically the damsel in distress is weaker but just wait till the cavalry come...

Yep, the fragile ones are the ones I go out of my way to avoid. If you didnt help her some other champ would. I wouldnt of taken her seriously.

Drunk? Kicked out of home? Who has learned that they can fuck up in the most dramatic way and the stronger sex will pick up the pieces? I see it as if you didnt 'help her out' some other champ would of come along to give her 'bail out'. Why is she different from other homeless people? Because she cried and used the damsel in distress card?


Sucks that you have to learn this in such a harsh manner (see that new 10 rules of being human post). But she hasn't learnt her lesson, she was even drunk when you found her. She's just been kicked out of another place and then got wasted. c'mon man, there's a pattern here...

You could allways the ol' 'get her drunk and when she dozes off put her and her stuff on some random park bench in some random location.' yet I somehow doubt you'll do that. awwww

peace

[Group]

Originally Posted by the_ki

Wow, okay i see it way differently. I see a girl that has learnt that she can throw the damsel in distress card and some guy will fix everything for her.

Think about it. Amog versus damsel in distress. Yeah.... physically the damsel in distress is weaker but just wait till the cavalry come...

Yep, the fragile ones are the ones I go out of my way to avoid. If you didnt help her some other champ would. I wouldnt of taken her seriously.

Drunk? Kicked out of home? Who has learned that they can fuck up in the most dramatic way and the stronger sex will pick up the pieces? I see it as if you didnt 'help her out' some other champ would of come along to give her 'bail out'. Why is she different from other homeless people? Because she cried and used the damsel in distress card?


Sucks that you have to learn this in such a harsh manner (see that new 10 rules of being human post). But she hasn't learnt her lesson, she was even drunk when you found her. She's just been kicked out of another place and then got wasted. c'mon man, there's a pattern here...

You could allways the ol' 'get her drunk and when she dozes off put her and her stuff on some random park bench in some random location.' yet I somehow doubt you'll do that. awwww

peace

No offense, but you're fucking retarded. There are some people there that, unlike this girl, are just in a sticky situation and just need a little bit of help. True, she doesn't seem to be getting better, but at the same time just letting her wallow in her pile of shit is not a good human characteristic, and is definitely not an alpha nor PUA trait. Remember that "leaving them better then you found them"? Yeah..

Anyways, you made a really good decision. If I were you, I would actually have a heart to heart conversation before kicking her out, and like some people on here said, try to actually make her see the reality of her situation. If one does not take a chance in helping someone who's fucked up, who is going to?

Again, props to you for the generosity man.

[the_ki]

Whatever, you take my post as 100% appliance to real life. She makes bad decisions, come into trouble and expect guys to pick up the pieces. To a degree I'm right, to a degree other posters are right. Also who would actually take my last comment seriously?

*THAT post is like a draft for this one*

[Nick Krygier]

Playing into people's drama only gives them incentive to continue playing it. If you "help" them by taking them in, they might

a) become functional people
b) continue to act out their drama that gets them certain things, in this case shelter
c) do something completely different for better or worse

if you DON'T "help" them by not taking them in, they might

a) become functional people anyways from someone else taking them in
b) continue to act out their drama and not learn anything
c) do something completely different for better or worse

The question is, do you want to take a risk and interfere? Do you want to take on somebody elses karma like that? Compassion can occur with action or inaction. Some of the worst things in life have been because of people taking action with good intentions. Something to think about.

[the_ki]

what happened?

[Chikito]

Ah in the end she left and I didn't give her anything.
I'm just glad I got to help someone in need. I have absolutely no regrets. I gave her some food and she used my shower and had a warm bed to sleep in for 2 nights. Maybe your too self involved to realize that is actually a nice thing to do.

My mother comes from one of the poorest countries in the world. I visit my family there where they sleep on straw mats, they can barely afford to buy rice and fish and im lucky enough to have an English father who can afford to send me to uni where I can drink and party and buy expensive electronics. When you've experienced poverty like I have you actually help people. BECAUSE NOT ALL POOR PEOPLE ARE SCHEMING, DRUG ADDICTS WHO WILL MURDER YOU. Some have just hit rough times.

Amog versus damsel in distress. Yeah.... physically the damsel in distress is weaker but just wait till the cavalry come...

I can't believe you share the completely blind view that all wannabe pua's have about men and women. That its a 'war' between the amog's and the chicks. Like you have to go to battle with them. It's one of the most ridiculous concepts I've ever heard, and it all stems from a very immature origin: couldn't get laid in the past and now said person want's revenge on all the women who hurt him in the past.

Let it go, you should be looking to make love not war.

Sometimes people are just helpful or helpless, simple as that.

Drunk? Kicked out of home? Who has learned that they can fuck up in the most dramatic way and the stronger sex will pick up the pieces? I see it as if you didnt 'help her out' some other champ would of come along to give her 'bail out'. Why is she different from other homeless people? Because she cried and used the damsel in distress card?

Why did you assume I wanted to 'pick up the pieces' of her life and fix it for her? I was only thinking of giving (shelter, food etc) when the opportunity presented itself. I also have a very uncommon knowledge about success, motivation among others. I would have be the most selfish prick not at least try and show her something positive that could help her.

It's amazing how you still think this whole ordeal is somehow involved with 'pick-up' and getting laid.

she was even drunk when you found her.

I never said that. I said the girl I was going to fuck was drunk and giving me doggy bowl eyes. Not the homeless girl.

You could allways the ol' 'get her drunk and when she dozes off put her and her stuff on some random park bench in some random location.' yet I somehow doubt you'll do that. awwww

You Are A Cunt...

Get your misplaced anger under control seriously.